Finding my own path

The rush all around me is nothing but a blur in my vision. I hear noises, splashes of tea from the tea stall behind me, crunch of a biscuit, crumple of newspaper strewn about, cries of babies like sirens, hushes of panicking mothers and even the lazy yawn of a scrawny cat. The drizzle of the shower falls on me but I don’t move. I feel everything but nothing at the same time. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. Empty and void of all emotions is my mind.

Suddenly my eyes fall upon a father hugging and kissing his daughter of about my own age. I hear him saying, “Promise you would eat on time.” and before the girl could response he goes on with “And never to stay out late and never ever to forget to call me twice a day and- ” “Dad I have heard this lecture for the umpteenth time now. No more please!” The father starts to say something but the girl gets on the train that is about to depart with “I got the message dad but no more of blah blah blah. Love you”. The train started and off went the girl. She had not noticed but I did. Her father’s eyes were glistening.

Suddenly I became aware that my own cheeks were streaming with tears. But I was more than sure that it was not because of the scene I just saw. My unconscious mind had travelled back to a time when my dad had done the same to me. “No, no more of it all Sheza, no more, you stepped out so that you could pursue your dreams”, I advice myself.

At one and twenty I am all alone in this railway station with only a bag full of all my belongings I had bought with my money, my certificates, medals and a wallet with a few hundreds and a debit card. The sky is starting to get dark and the fact that I had been here for three whole hours dawns upon me. I know that all what I’ve left behind are nice and comfy but never will I forget that it all oppressed me as well. I sigh feeling that I had finally taken my life into my hands with not a clue of where to go and what to do.

The climate makes me shiver in my loose shirt and pants, so I hug myself for warmth. A tea cup suddenly stands in front of my face. I lift my eyes to see the person offering it and see a kind looking face of an old lady with graying hair and spectacles on her nose. When I am about to thank and refuse she shakes her head and says, “I know you have no idea of what you are doing or what you should do. But trust me dear, you really need something warm now. Do the kind act of accepting this old lady’s offer.” I accept the tea because of the kindness of the woman and because I really need it.

 She sits beside me and starts, “Long ago maybe thirty years before I too sat like this forlorn and lost in my own world. I had lost everything. My family, children, house and everything I had to call mine.” She stops to see if I am listening. As she sees me piqued with interest she continues, “A fire accident it was. I was devastated. Had no place to go, no relatives to console me, not a soul to assure me that everything will be alright soon.” I had no words, for I had no idea what I should say to her. Still she continued, “You know what dear? Life is a weird teacher who teaches her lessons through our own mistakes and pain. She teaches you that you could love again, that you could breathe freely, that you could stand on your feet again and best of all that you are strong enough to stand up and smile after a fall which gave you wounds. All you got to do is follow your heart and passion, make mistakes and learn from them.” I am stunned when I realize that this kind old woman is indeed giving me the answers for my unasked questions. I try to register all that she said and when I turn my head to talk to her, she’s not there! “Man is she my godmother or what?” I think out aloud while turning my head in all the directions of the stations in search of the woman who just cleared my cloud of anguish.

I feel fresh and hopeful after four complete hours of grief and pain. “Passion” that word brings back the reason, for which I had left behind everything that had mattered to me, with a force of a charging bull. Now that my always active brain had been fueled with hope it starts to function with an accelerated speed.

The big white clock on the opposite wall reads 7.00 p.m. and beside it the digital schedule shows the trains available at 7.00 p.m. along with their destinations. “Colombo” holds my sight. I run all the possibilities in my head. I turn with a clearness in my eyes and a smile on my lips. “One second class ticket to Matale”, I say to the old man at the counter.

I board the train that awaits its passengers and start planning my future from that moment onwards. After a few minutes the train starts to move leaving all the noise of the station behind. The cool breeze from the window greets me and I warmly welcome the sleep that taps at my door, so that I could be fresh for the new chapter of my life in Kandy.

Author:- Badurdeen. F. Ayesha

(pictures are for you to get the feeling , so don't mind the difference in the look of the character)

Goddess of spring

Goddess of spring

The first time I saw her I only noticed her laugh. She had the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard and at that moment I felt that it was the kind of laugh I wanted to hear for the rest of my life. I saw her in Viharamahadevi park. A group of girls that I guessed to be her friend were all listening intently to what she was saying. Her expressions were beautiful and had a grace that magnified her beauty. I could not help noticing that she had the most glorious shinning eyes. It was so happy and fresh, that I felt the vibe of her ecstasy bringing a breeze to my soul.

 My idiot friend pulled me to show the boring plan that he had been droning about for the past few hours so I turned my attention to him for a few minutes. When I was too tired with his nonsense I turned my head to look at the goddess of spring few feet away from me and I was extremely shocked with the result. SHE WAS NOT THERE! I turned to the fiend that I call a friend with a snarl and said, “You know what you idiot? All your stupid plan sucks. Throw it in the bin and come up with something fresh and breezy.” Fresh and breezy? What am I talking about? Urgh I’m messed up today. So I turned to my sulking friend and said, “Look Nimal this plan for the project is not going to work. It’s not what our boss expects. He wants to combine the technology to our new project. So let’s think of making this system work mostly with cloud computing or something much more easily accessible. Okay buddy?” I can see Nimal relax so I leave him to enjoy my weekend in my lonely style.

It was around 5.15 p.m. when I reached the independence square for my evening jog. I parked my car near the Arcade and took a stroll to the square.

 I should say that I had completely forgotten about the goddess due to the pressure in the mind but when I saw her again in Arcade I was determined to go up and get a close view of her. Well I know I do sound creepy but I wasn’t in a state to control my thoughts. So I took a couple of steps but it seemed like the gang had changed their plan and they left. As I was not a real stalker I left the place and retraced my steps to the square to take my jog. I went around six laps around the park and I knew I was all sweaty and reeked to high heavens. But come on, most of them in the park were in my state too and I was not in a mood to muse over olfactory welfare.

So I slumped on a stair and watched the people jogging, walking and running in the lamp lit darkness. I startled when I heard a commanding girl voice say, “Can you move out of the way?” “No please, no excuse me, no would you mind, the attitude of this girl!” was the first thought that came to my mind before I rise and make space. After I shot up I noticed the commander in fact was the goddess I had just started to think about. A smile slowly crawled over my face when I re-played the co-incidence or the work of cupid that had brought us close three times in one day. I shook my head when I realized that I was bringing cupid into the story and said quite aloud “Co-incidence, definitely co-incidence.”

Suddenly the goddess turned and smiled at me. “Woaahhh”, was all that escaped my mouth, when I thought that she too had seen me but she decided to spoil it all. For she turned to her friends with a “That guy is speaking to himself, must have escaped from some asylum.” It added oil to my already blazing fire and I thought “Yes an asylum I call an office.” That was the end of our co-incidences and I never got to see her because my work consumed me up completely.

After three weeks I had a meeting with one of my college buddy in the China Town restaurant. It was just a catching up for past time’s sake but the idiot took a long time to come. It had already been fifteen minutes since I came here and the aroma in the air was not helping the situation either. So I swore to myself that I would make my order if that bull takes any longer. When I was impatiently waiting and checking out the customers my eyes stopped a table near the window facing the beach.

It’s the goddess, I was determined to know her name. For calling her goddess made me feel archaic though it suited her very well. But something was wrong about her countenance today and that was when I noticed that she too had been waiting and that too with a single rose in her lap and sad eyes on her face. That evoked my doubt, “Is she really waiting or has anyone proposed to her?” That idea brought something heavy to my heart that astonished me too.

My phone suddenly vibrated from my jacket pocket and I saw that it was the punctual friend whom I was expecting.” “Where the hell are you, you dumb bull?” “Calm down man, my girlfriend suddenly called me and wanted to hangout. I can’t turn down that or I’d have to face consequences. Please understand machan.” He begged. I did not understand what these bossy girls wanted from their boys. Always messing with their plans. Well at least I’m single, free and happy. So I took pity on him and said that we’d meet another day.

I put my phone back in my jeans pocket and was ready to make my order but then I noticed a streak of tears running through my goddess’s cheeks. “My goddess? Where are you going on with this Eshan?” asked my brain but it also noticed a family with a sleeping baby on the shoulder of the father waiting for a table near her. So I got up from my table and smiled at them signaling that they could have the table. The couple smiled their thanks and took the table. I was really very hungry so I decided to have my dinner and so made a plan in mind.

“Hi godde… I mean I came here to get my dinner but as that family over there waited for a table with that baby in hand I gave them my table. Would you mind if I join you. I am really hungry right now and there’s no tables around and you seem to be alone too.” Puff, I said it didn’t I? I really made it. The goddess gave a look over me a couple of times and shook her head and showed her hand towards the chair opposite her. I sat there with a thank you and a smile but she just continued to ignore me along with her corn soup that seemed to have turned cold now and looked out of the window. I felt like I was slapped right through my face but my brain said, “You asked for it bro!” So I made my order and waited till it came.

It did come finally. The steaming saucy oodles with devilled prawns and crab along with the steaming corn soup made my mouth water and told me that the wait was worth it. I started dishing out the plate while moaning forgetting that there was a goddess in front of me. “Humph… these men”, she said with a shake of her head that made me raise my eyes to her and suddenly I felt disgusted for not having my table manners. She too saw this and her face changed and she started “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean you. It’s just that I had been waiting for this boyfriend of mine to come as we planned but he left me out again without any explanation.” She explained with a shrug and a dab of her hanky to her eyes. “Oh! This would have been how Roshan’s girlfriend would have looked had he dined with me. Thanks to me she escaped it”, I mused.

The goddess saw that I was just chewing while staring at her without reacting. So she returned her gaze back to the window. “So this is not the first time is it?” I know I startled her with that question but I decided to play this game in a monotonous tone and style. For I really wanted to help her out and I knew that if I get all caring and consoling in her emotional state she wouldn’t be encouraged to speak up.

She looked at me for a some seconds and shook her head with an “Eleventh.” “Are you kidding me lady?” was what I wanted to ask but I did not blurt it out, instead just shook my head understandingly. “I know I look crazy but I really love him that I can’t accept the fact that he’s not interested in me anymore though I comprehend it.” That bloody idiot is going to cry for rest of his life having lost a girl who really cares for him. “Did you speak about this to him?” She shook her head and answered her no. This brain of yours needs some shaking lady!

“Okay , don’t mind me but can I tell you something?” I asked her. Like she understood what came next she was about to rise up but I stopped her with a signal. “Listen, being a guy I understand the mentality of guys better than girls. So just listen in patience and then you can do what you want I won’t stop you. If this guy had walked out on you more than five times without giving you any solid reason it’s high time you understand that you can’t make it work single handedly” She froze in her place so I continued ,“Furthermore I think that moving on in life would take you to the right person who would cherish you for what you are. Also understand that if you underestimate your value and wanna anchor your whole life in a place where it’s not recognized you’re gonna make your life a living hell.” With that I stopped and looked at her to see her reaction.

She smiled at me and I also noticed a clearness in her face. She ate the cold soup in a hurry after asking the waiter to bring her bill all the while I was staring at her shocked. For she looked like the goddess of gloom some minutes ago and now in a spur of moments she’s back with the vigour of the goddess of spring. This lady really is a Sudoku. Her bill came, she paid with a generous tip for the waiter who had not been of much use and left the table. That attitude again! Not a thank you, no good bye and no not even a simple smile of courtesy.

A sudden “My name is Akshara. Thank you and you startle a lot!” did startle me. She left the restaurant with that and that was when my tortoise brain fired up. “You startle a lot?” So she did remember me as the guy out from the asylum? Oh, why cupid? Why me? With that I rushed out of the restaurant and searched for my goddess but unlike the movies in reality love at fourth sight never works out easily and she wasn’t there. “Aksh-ara”, I tasted her name and smiled with the feeling that “Goddess” suited her best. For as much as she looked like one she had the attitude of one too. I went back into the restaurant smiling like an idiot. For I was sure that cupid would not leave his work unfinished and most of all I had complete trust in my hacking talents. “I’m a network engineer baby. I’m sure I’ll find you”, I confessed to the air she breathed and opened the door of my car to go home to start on my current most mysterious and interesting project I had ever done in my life.

Author:- Badurdeen Fathima Ayesha

with you forever

With you forever

It has come again after one long year. February 14 , the Valentine’s day , lover’s day ,the day that earned billions for  shopping websites and gift shops, the day on which chocolate ,roses and heart shaped balloons and pillows are sold a lot. In a nutshell today is the day many people madly in love become spendthrifts too. But I and Varun have a somewhat different a story. So here I am madly in love and waiting for my mad boyfriend who has made me wait all alone for more than ten minutes now in this coffee shop.

The minute hand of the clock keeps moving and I keep waiting but somehow I don’t seem to get angry. Something tells me all this wait is going to be worth it and that’s when my eyes fall on a teenage couple all lovey-dovey in the seat in front of me. An instant smile lights up my face when I remember my own love story that started when I was barely fifteen.

Our love journey started like most typical ones. We both met in an institution where I was attending classes for my ordinary level and Varun for his ACS. It took me two months to comprehend his love for me and he still tell me that that was the worst torment in his whole life. (Well not that I completely believe it. Yet as it’s cute I never argue.)

The path that we had to undertake in order to reach the destination of our journey was not at all easy. For as both our families were conservative, conversation about our affair was out of question. As to add to the bundle I being a minor was not helping either. So we kept our love journey as a secret from our families. But as always in all love stories, my family did get to know and I was grounded. It was a very hard situation but things were less heart breaking when I thought of my strong resolution to talk to Varun again. Thus with so many thorny bushes and bends in the path our journey continued again with much better understanding and more firm  decision to meet the end. Yet that was not again easy for life never gets easier. But my Varun and I somehow got together after the fights we had ,thanks to all our friends and teachers who were very caring that they adviced us even in our personal matters. So after seven years now here we are much more resolved about making it together forever.

Forever, that reminds me that I should ask about the delivery of the surprise gift I had ordered for my idiot who had now made me wait for thirty long minutes. Just when I am about take my mobile from my bag a hand touches my shoulder and I start and find my prince charming looking very charming and laughing his head off in front of me.

I could not help but smile looking at him so relaxed and fresh in his cool and crisp white cotton shirt, black denim trousers with matching black and white converse and his simple black strap watch. This is what attracted me when I first saw Varun. His simplicity was so modest yet breathtakingly handsome and rich looking.

“You make me wait for thirty minutes, come late, start me and even have the nerve to laugh at me. What could possibly be the punishment you deserve Mr.Varun? ” I tease him with a mock angry face. He did not get the point and all of a sudden became nervous and started fidgeting with his fingers. Now as this was my cue to laugh I did and saw him relax. But the moment he brought forward the beautiful bunch of smiling yellow daffodils I stopped breathing. “I’m sorry Shalini I couldn’t get any roses so I brought you…” “You idiot I love daffodil and do you think I’ll send you off even if you come empty handed?” I ask him snatching the beautiful flowers from his hands. I was too busy sniffing the flowers so I did not notice that Varun had become silent too but when I felt it I raised my eyes to see a tear falling from his eyes that were watching me “You are beautiful.”, he said. I did not know where to look to hide my rising blush. But before I could say anything he took my hand and started “I don’t know what you expected or did not expect my dear but right now all I could give you is this and my promise that I will work hard and do all that is there in my power to keep you happy and contended. Do you wish to continue this journey with me for another few years?”.  I was very much overwhelmed to speak that I broke our eye contact and hugged him tight.

I was about to weep with happiness for getting such a loving and caring boyfriend but the waiter disturbed us both with an “Excuse me sir, are you Mr.Varun?”.  Varun answered in affirmative and the waiter brought in a medium sized parcel to our table. Varun saw me and that was when I remembered my gift. So I shook my head and watched a very surprised, happy and enthusiastic Varun opening the wrapper. The moment the gift popped up Varun was really surprised. For co-incidentally I had planned to buy a T-shirt that read “WITH YOU FOREVER” which was exactly the answer that I had intended to give him when I hugged him.

“Tell me Shalu did I call you in the middle of the night and mumble any of the thoughts that had plagued me?” . I only laughed and gave our orders for our plans for the day still awaited.

After tea we planned to stroll the Galle Face walk. The evening sun was very beautiful as always but today there were fluffy clouds that was bathed in pinkish blue hue, different birds flying home and best of all the beach itself was colourful with many couples buying ice-creams, strolling on the walk hand in hand just like us, watching the sun from the bridge, eating from the street vendors and sitting on the steps. Everyone seemed to feel the love in the air and everyone had a smile plastered to their face.

A little off from the flag pole there were young married couples expecting baby or with one or two babies. The picture was so beautiful I just stopped. Varun stopped too and seeing what I was seeing he smiled knowingly. I don’t know from where I got the words but I started uttering,

“Sleeping on your shoulder

Holding your hand in mine

Feeling your head on mine

Glowing moonlight

Chilling wind and

The coolness of your love

Our child in my arms

Feeling blessed, watching our world

Still locked with love.

Where I’m in between your legs

Down on the dune           

Your head on mine.

Our world locks us even more closer,

after playing in the waves.

We laugh, after bathing in

the sand filled love our

world brought for us,

feeling blessed.”

 Varun had been seeing me when I recited the poem that came to my mind when I was looking at the cute families and when I had stopped, he turned me to make me look at his eyes and smiled at me which was so promising as the words he uttered in the café. When I smiled back at him he hugged me tight and said, “Feeling blessed I am with you now and I will WITH YOU FOREVER.”

I could not have asked for a better day and that reminded me that the wait had been completely worth it.

Author :- Badurdeen Fathima Ayesha